Yeah. It’s Tuesday and the holiday weekend is over. You’re having a bit of a hard time adjusting. Maybe it’s the fluorescent overhead lighting at work, maybe it’s the shakes from Vodka Lemonade withdrawal. Maybe it’s the fact that you didn’t have internet access for the past four days or maybe it’s just that Kimberly is on vacation for the entire week and the pressure to be funny all by yourself is starting to get to you.
I’m speaking hypothetically, of course.
Regardless, in these tough times don’t we all need a little pick me-up? A cheerful reminder of brighter days? Gentle Readers, I can only say one thing.
SEND IN THE CLOWNS!
This "Happy Face Clown" is actually a placemat. Hee! How clever is that? He also doubles as a learning tool for bad little boys and girls.
Aren’t these little guys just darling? So cute you barely even notice their webbed toes and fingers. Sweetie, don’t stare. It’s impolite.
It’s a clown!
It’s a chicken!
It’s….it’s…we don’t know what the hell it is!
How whimsical is THAT?
Aw, your friend had a baby! Time to whip up a little Clown for the blessed victim. I mean, child. Blessed Child.
It’s an item sure to please any mom who is visually impaired!
Perhaps you are on a diet and need help avoiding the cookie jar. Would you DARE to stick your poor defenseless paw in this cookie jar? We didn’t think so…
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Not so much with all the bright colors and cheery grins? Depressed Primitive Clown Head On A Stick could be right for YOU!
Aw, your friend had a baby again! Don’t they know there’s something they can do to prevent that?
Oh well! Another baby, another clown! Mom will love reaching into Nursery Time Clown’s crotch to pull out necessities for her special little lamb!
WAIT A MINUTE! How did she get in here???
You know what happens to bad little clowns, don’t you? No? You don’t?
They become relegated to the top of toilet tanks, doomed to spend their final days concealing rolls of toilet tissue.
Breaks your heart in two, don’t it?
"We just don’t understand it. Timmy played with his new toss game for about three minutes and now he won’t stop crying."
Oh for crissakes, that so-called friend of yours is pregnant AGAIN! What is she trying for, a world record? Okay, clowns. Let’s think. What can we make?
A complete Clown Nursery Set. HAH! That oughta keep her legs together for a couple of months.
And finally, do not leave ANYONE alone in a room with Clarence. You remember what happened last time…..
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OMG! Just how much spare time would someone need to waste it on these clowns???
OK, now I’m scared!! Look at the very first picture of the big head clown, look at the little bald clown in the lower right-hand corner. Is he smokin a doobie? I think so!! In fact, I think I need to go smoke a big one right now to get over the whole clown revulsion. Kudo’s for putting in the skanky Barbie-wannabe, truly scared the shiat outta me.
Oh, God, no. I have always been scared of clowns, this just confirms that I am RIGHT to be wary of the painted little monstrosities that pass for cheerfulness. Argh! Nightmares tonight! Must… drink… vodka… to… delete… clown… images…
How do you find all this stuff, my goodness, your blog keeps me laughin daily.
Good Lord, Mary. Why do you hate my eyes so much? Why must you sear these images onto my eyeballs while simultaneously giving me nightmares so I can’t sleep? My mind is now filled with Clown-Evil, and you’d better watch out when you guys have a baby, because your little one will most definitely need several of these handmade demons.
Hilarious! I like your blog. Keeps me laughin’
I thought I was a strong, mature woman.
So why am I shaking and weeping in the corner? Please, Mommy, make the scary clowns go away…..Pleeeeeeease……
I want to know who ever thought that this thing was cute or even mildly appealing. Who?
Did anyone else notice that the clown placemat’s hair is made of fing…eer, I mean, balloons? Ack!
No wonder most kids are scared of clowns. I’m starting to feel like I’m going to cry myself!
Can’t sleep. Clown’ll eat me.
Can’t sleep. Clown’ll eat me.
Can’t sleep. Clown’ll eat me.
Thank you for such a laughing start to my day!
I’ve just heard that my ex-boyfriend has recently become a dad – I think I’ll make one of those nursery things for the little sprog…MMMWWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You just reminded me why I don’t like clowns. I’ve always thought they looked evil and now I have proof. hehe My favorite pic is the one of the clown basket. Maybe it is my brain begging for sleep but the position of the baby bottle made me break out laughing like a loon.
One more “Makes Me Embarrassed To Be A Fiber Artist” moment.
I think my favorite (if we can use that word loosely for a moment) is Depressed Primitive Clown Head on a Stick. And I want to say that there is something twisted about using a clown crotch to hold baby supplies.
These clowns are what would result from cross breeding the clown in IT with a Chuckie Doll. You’re truly evil.
Where the hell were these when I was babysitting those little monsters?
I feel cheated my tolet roll cover was a poodle. KREEPY I loved my mom but I think she would have made one of these. need I say again KREEPY
Aw, and I was going to start asking my friends to knit me things for my baby-on-the-way! You ruined it! But, I’d bet yarn is pretty when it’s melting…
As scary as these clowns are–my mom had the demented cat clock with the large eyes that moved from side to side trying to spear you with the evil eye.
There’s something funny going on with the toilet tank clown’s digits. He completely lacks opposable thumbs and seems to have 5 big toes on each foot. How could you do a #2 knowing that things got your back?
I am horrified, but I CAN’T STOP LOOKING! Argh.
oh god. i just read “It” by Stephen King. Hugbugblahhahablahhaa…oh whatever sound shudders make….er…..haha
scariest one=depressed primitive clown head on a stick. i wouldnt even know that was suppsed to be a clown, unless it was under a section specifically for clowns. thot it was some type of…movie prop or something….
no, on the other hand, clarence the clown’s eyes seem to be emanating at me…
The Happy Face Clown isn’t just a perky placemat – it’s early Safe Sex education. While those floppy rubber things look like balloons, they’re actually cheerfully colored condoms.
Ok, the clown arms on the creepy nursery set look…I have to say it….PHALLIC. Seriously. The arms look like little stubby penises to me.
Becky, I personally think the funniest part of the picture is the oil. Lubricant, perhaps? And, I think that looks more, like, um ,you know…
You are a pair of the sickest individuals I have ever run across. Congratulations! When can we meet? In all my years of netcrawling at work, comedy, porn, gruesome photos – I’ve always been able to keep my compose, appearing perfectly serene despite whatever offensive material was only an angle away from public view.
Today, I lost it. I was laughing so hard I have mascara running down my face. My associate in the next cell (cube) had to inquire if I was alright; was I laughing or crying? Both, I had to admit. Took 5 minutes to bring it under control.
You guys are my heros.
Clovis
PS: I actually own a couple of the patterns on your site. And be afraid: I DO sew… -C
That first clown with the balloon hair? Well, change it to condoms and he can become Happy the Safe Sex Clown. Clowns…they’re not just for kids anymore.