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The Battle Of The Bulge

October 27, 2005 by Mary & Kimberly

Caftans_1987

Once again, Vogue has provided the perfect wardbrobe solution for every…person.  Look how the drape of the caftan hides one’s hips…or any other um…things on one’s body one might want to conceal.  And see how it makes a person look glamorous even if maybe one is not usually so…how do I say this…feminine?  A caftan also accomodates broad shoulders.  You know, in case you’re big boned or whatever.  And it’s long enough to cover feet that are maybe like larger than usual lady feet or something.  And if say you liked to go dance in clubs in Midtown it would give you plenty of room to move about and stuff.

OK.  I GIVE UP.  I TRIED TO DANCE AROUND IT.  I TRIED TO ACT LIKE EVERYTHING WAS NORMAL OVER AT VOGUE, BUT I CAN’T.  I CAN’T KEEP LIVING THIS LIE.  THOSE ARE MEN, BABY.  MEN, I TELL YOU.    THEY ARE BIG TALL FANCY MEN IN CAFTANS.

With fabulous accessories, by the way.

Posted in 80's_ | 23 Comments

23 Responses

  1. on October 26, 2005 at 11:08 pm SageHen

    I hate it when men are pretter than I am. I hate it when I dress up and look like a drag queen.
    Oh Hell, where can I get a caftan?!


  2. on October 26, 2005 at 11:20 pm tonya

    Ok, yes, I agree that 4 of them are, indeed, fancymen wearing caftans. However, I have every reason to suspect that the “lady” on the far left is Ethel Merman.


  3. on October 26, 2005 at 11:24 pm cheryl

    The one in the gold looks like Bea Arthur.


  4. on October 27, 2005 at 8:20 am BarbieDearest

    Finally! Something to hide all of my lovely lady humps!! and bumps….and lumps….

    The one on the right in pink is *totally* John Leguizamo!


  5. on October 27, 2005 at 11:00 am Christy

    I actually own a caftan. :D

    My aunt Sharon (5′1″, maybe 130 lbs soaking wet) got it from my aunt Susan (5′5″, fluffier), and I can wear it without problem (5′10″, big shoulders and hips, fluffy). It would’ve swallowed her WHOLE! So we took it off her hands, and I’ve been wearing it like a nightgown.

    They’re great on hot summer weekends when you don’t leave the house. But I can’t believe one would need much of a pattern for them… “Get 9 yds of 60″ wide fabric, sew up the sides (inserting pockets), and cut a hole for your head and neck. Hem all raw edges.” Voila!


  6. on October 27, 2005 at 11:13 am Marcia

    Holy 1970’s, Batman! I think I saw this gang elbow their way into Studio 54 30 years ago.


  7. on October 27, 2005 at 12:53 pm Ice Queen

    BIG TALL FANCY MEN IN CAFTANS.

    That was my favourite band in college.


  8. on October 27, 2005 at 1:04 pm jayco

    The one in pink is actually Liz Taylor, pre-Forensky.


  9. on October 27, 2005 at 1:19 pm Kristin

    These men have the tiniest little feet I’ve ever seen!


  10. on October 27, 2005 at 1:53 pm jayco

    ….Fortensky…


  11. on October 27, 2005 at 4:00 pm Brent McKee

    Big tall fancy men in caftans pretending they’re pregnant. Like you said, a caftan can hide a myriad of things.


  12. on October 27, 2005 at 4:36 pm Sputnik

    I’m totally with BarbieDearest. The one on the right in pink is John Leguizamo, the one in gold is Patrick Swayze, and the darker skinned one in lavender is Wesley Snipes.

    Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar.


  13. on October 27, 2005 at 4:53 pm Desiree

    Those gals (?) look like they’ve been hanging out with Mrs. Roper on 3’s Company….


  14. on October 27, 2005 at 5:21 pm Yorkie

    Does the “Very Easy” monniker on the bottom of the packet indicate that the pattern is very easy, or the he/shes?

    Either way, it will break the ice at those stuffy old faculty parties…


  15. on October 27, 2005 at 6:09 pm Jane

    Didn’t I see them doing their act at Charlie Brown’s All Stars??


  16. on October 27, 2005 at 9:53 pm Janice in GA

    Mrs. Roper, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!


  17. on October 27, 2005 at 10:55 pm phil

    I went to high school with the redheaded guy on the far left and he was a bitch then, just like now, just like he looks. On the rag thity-two days a month, you know it.


  18. on October 28, 2005 at 3:18 pm beastarzmom

    now we know how RuPaul actually supports himself.


  19. on October 28, 2005 at 3:53 pm AP

    Isn’t a caftan wearing tranny the target audience for Midtown clubs anyway?


  20. on October 29, 2005 at 1:05 am Shinlick

    Sure, the testosterone injections were a good idea at first, but none of them would forget the ninja stars they took to the hearts when their prom dates left them outside the Piggly-Wiggly.


  21. on October 30, 2005 at 10:00 am IHateToast

    wasn’t someone in _The Posseidon Adventure_ wearing one of those? or _The Towering Inferno_?
    what is the original point of a caftan? is it a house dress with more fluff? is it a nightgown? or a robe? i could look it up, but why? they just look like the things one wears when you’re bored with your life and hubby, smoke a lot, and live in a house with too much framed 70s long stitch crafts.


  22. on October 30, 2005 at 11:37 am Spirit Fingers

    Only two of them have had the foresight to cover their Adam’s apples.


  23. on October 30, 2005 at 5:53 pm Kyle

    Finally, something that can double as draperies!



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