Ahoy mateys! What’s that you say? You scurvy rats be craving more from The Big Book of Little Tops?
We are happy to grant that wish!
Here we have the back cover, which is not nearly as good as the front cover. Sure, she’s leaning waaaay back which is sort of funny but not really funny. There’s only so much we can say about a tilting sweater model. What this back cover really needs is a good hat. Or a bad hat.
Yes! It is so much better, am I right?
Of course the nautical nonsense doesn’t end here. Let’s take a peek at some of the little tops inside The Big Book Of Little Tops.
Hiya sailor. As you can tell by the desperation in my eyes I’ve been on this beach for such a long, long time. Just me with my knitted Little Top and some blond kid in an even Littler Top that matches my own. No, I don’t know whose kid this is. Look at her, she’s sure as hell not mine. She just keeps following me around and patting my shoulder and I don’t have a blanket to sit on and there’s all this sand that’s gone up my shorts and frankly honey, I don’t care if you do have scurvy. You’re looking pretty damn good to me.
Of course, not every girl goes for these sailor types.
Some lusty ladies prefer to go one step further.
Just add a dab of cheap rum behind those ears and the Cap’n will be all too happy to show you his peg leg, if you know what we mean….
There’s really not a lot to say about this Little Top except that I hear “Brick House”
playing in my mind every time I look at it.
The lady’s stacked and that’s a fact, ain’t holding nothing back…
Ah yes, The Albatross. Because frankly, nobody wants this thing hanging around their neck.
This one is called “Conch” because it’s a little knitted shell top. Like a conch shell! Oh, that Pauline Denham…what a witty broad. Truly a woman after our own hearts.
Personally though, I think old Pauline missed out on a golden opportunity. I know something that would make this little ensemble even better…adding a little pizazz, a little va-va-voom….
Ah. Much better…
Personally, I think “Albatross” is a modern day Lily Munster…….
Albatross and Pirate seem to be of the “stick a fork in the toaster when it’s plugged in” school of hair styling.
And then at the opposite extreme, there’s Conch, who seems to be of the “molded vinyl swimcap” school of hair design. Adding the real conch shell helped s lot.
Haha! I LOVE the completely random sailing theme. Classic. And adding a conch shell is the perfect accessory – come to think of it, I’m sure I saw Target selling them just last week…
(I was LOL-ing at the stranded beach hussy – the look on her face was just perfect for your captions!!)
After seeing doctor after doctor Mary Conch was heatbroken to learn there was no medical procedure to relocate her cranial vagina…
Ahoy maties, a little something for everyone. Desperate sailors wives, anyone?
Anyone remember The Night of the Smiling Dead? The lady on the back cover could not possibly be leaning to the side like that without support unless she is one of those stiff as a board, clinically deceased pattern models. They must have just taken her out of the cryo-bank, because she hasn’t completely thawed out yet and isn’t pliable enough to be posed properly.
I’ve been reading Threadbared so much lately that I no longer can tell good fashions from bad. I actually kind of like the hairstyle that the stranded beach hussy is wearing. I also spent most of the day with a UPS barcode sticker firmly stuck to my ass. I am lucky that when the UPS man came for the daily pickup, he did not scan my barcode, throw me over his shoulder, and take me to his truck. Oh wait… That could have possibilities… Where did I put that sticker?
Conch’s hair is the color of Cheez-Its.
Crap. Now I’m hungry.
Well, what about Albatross…judging by that net behind her, that’s quite an afro she’s sportin’
EGAD! The Brides of Dracula, Frankenstein, Swampthing, the Zombie, the Atom, and Floyd the Swingin’ Vaccuum Salesman! Collect ‘em all, kids – this offer won’t last. Cut out their box tops and send them in for your very own “L’l Blender” Lobotomy Kit!
Seriously, though – I am soooo going as “Albatross” for Halloween.
We caught Commodore in mid-twist,fingers snapping and everything… Come on babeeeeee…let’s do the Twist…
How can anyone look like such a rigid bitch while doing the Twist for Gawd’s sake!!!! Maybe that 11 inch wide forehead is getting her down? Man o man, talk about a receding hairline.
‘Lord of the Flies’ would’ve been a very different book if that Little Top was the Conch in question.
Are we sure Little Tops is about the garments? It looks more like a spread for Clairol’s Unconvincing Haircolor Collection.
Wow, I’m unh, overwhelmed…
Ms. Pirate made me think that maybe these are a bunch of Bond girl wannabes. The names work.
But Mistress Commodore? Definitely “the Enforcer,” She-Wolf of the Junior League. She can get pretty creative with that rope, Chas or Biff or whatever they call you at the yacht club, so you’d better make sure everything is ship-shape for the charity cotillion.
Lady Albatross had me stumped until I saw the net. It’s the Bride of Frankenstein just before the villagers captured her, right?
OMG! I just enlarged Mistress Commodore.
There’s blood stains on that rope!!!
Stranded beach girl looks as if she’s trying hard to avoid sitting on a pile of seashells…or maybe she has hemorrhoids.
Conch girl: “MMmm…there’s something about an Aqua-Velva man.”
I actually like some of these tops, although I would eliminate the button details.
Albatross looks like a sweet transvestite.
Cptn.Sam was a loveable kind of a guy, always ready for romance. You could turn him on with nothing more than a skein of crochet yarn. But Sam was lonely one night, didn’t have anyone around to snuggle with and nothing to do but read. His wife was out with the new skipper and Sam was actually getting a little bit pissed off (a bit drunk too.)Well, in all the heated shivvering of his timbers, he decided to do some at-home catalog shopping. Under the mattress on his side of the bunk on the port side, he dragged out his crochet catalog and feasted his eyes in secret. His wife could enjoy the company of the skipper, he could enjoy the company of 5 hot little dock rats in crochet sweaters. OHHHHH he was turning on fast. He drooled over Sailor Girl, He swooned over the Leaning-Tower-of-Black girl; he hyper-ventelated over Haystack-blonde Pirate girl, wanting her so bad he could hardly stand it, but alas he was saving himself for the best, knowing he could not really take them all on before his wife came home. He hurried on to the next bewildering looking damsel. Well, he wasn’t actually all that keen on Comodore girl, she reminded him of his sister’s barbie doll with the plastic hair. And then, to tell the truth, he just skipped right over the Albatross chick completely, she looked too much like his funny uncle from Fire Island and that definately did not turn him on. He finally settled on our sweet little Conch girl,gasping breathlessly at her “come hither” look. One more slug of rum and he’d snag that coy little conch and make hot chowder out of her. And “hither” he came, just in time too. His wife was banging at the hatch to come down and join him. O was he happy then.
The scary thing is I used to own sweaters like the Commodore- in pink and white. I wore them to *work*… in Public. But I didn’t knit them myself.
Just because you didn’t knit them yourself doesn’t make it ok, Georg. I hope you see now how wrong it was.
Bad Georg.
This blog NEVER disappoints!
First, how exactly are these “little tops”? Little compared to what– The tops Gulliver saw on Brobdinagian women during sea voyage? One of them even has fer Pete’s sake…
Second, the main woman in Sailor has an expression on her face that’s a strange mixture of sadness, instability and amusement, that somehow makes me think of the last scene of “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane”… But maybe that’s just me…
O Jenn that is so not just you. No, no. It’s more like me, really.
But hey Georg it really is a credit to you that you didn’t knit the little tops yourself, that’s just one more misgiuded knitter less on this earth that we have to deal with; and you don’t have all that much therapy to go through. All you have to do is to get out of denial and take total responsibility for wearing (did you purchase them yourself, or were they gifts that you felt coerced into wearing?) And where perchance were you forced by life threatening circumstances to work? Really, Georg you are not really bad, you are just very misguided and all you need to do is to get out of denial and repent of your error, forgive those around you, forgive yourself and move on with your life. I pray for you.
and what’s up with Pirate’s hair? Its not bed head – well maybe side bed head?
Personally, I’m all set with this one…what about the rest of you folks?
NEXT!! : )
Fresh meat!
HELLO?
Stale – very stale!
Yoo Hoo???? Is anyone home?? You know we love you all, and well, we are desperate for a new and exciting post. Please? Don’t make me get the flying monkeys after you!
This rapidly aging post got me thinking: This book of Nonsensical Nautical Knitware is, at minimum, 35 years old. Imagine… Mrs. Cheekbones and the cocettish Conch chick are well into their 60’s, and the little girl is probably a mom.
There’s nothing like a nautical themed outfit to spice up the wardrobe… I don’t know, I think that some of these pieces are definitely “rockable”!