Meet Sharon.

Sharon has a problem.

Can you guess what Sharon’s problem is?

For many people, accessories are a fun way to jazz up an otherwise plain outfit. A stylish belt to go with one’s pants, a pretty handbag to wear with one’s dress. It’s all in good fun. For others, however, accessories take on an entirely different meaning. They can become as destructive as any other addiction and result in an embarrassing nightmare for the accessorizer and their family. This is referred to as compulsive accessorizing.

Compulsive accessorizing is defined as “excessive” and “out of control.” As with other addictions, the accessory addict continues to pile on accessories in the face of adverse consequences. Sometimes referred to as “accessorholizm,” compulsive accessorizers can create massive financial, marital and family problems. The addiction can also result in numerous fashion faux pas.

Behaviors That May Indicate A Problem:

• Accessorizing as a result of feeling angry, depressed, anxious, or lonely.

• Having arguments with others about one’s accessorizing habits.

• Feeling lost without accessories – actually going into withdrawal without jewelry, bags, belts and shoes.

• Describing a rush or a feeling of euphoria with accessorizing.

• Feeling guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed after an accessorizing spree.

• Thinking obsessively about earrings or brooches.

• Lying about how many accessories one has on. For instance, owning up to wearing four belts but lying about six additional belts worn under the clothes.

For those of you who have identified with three or more of the above, there may be a problem. Take a moment and count the number of belts you are currently wearing. Now check the number of shoes you have on.

If you feel that, like Sharon, you may have an accessorizing problem we at Threadbared are here to help. Please send any extraneous jewelry, designer handbags, cute shoes and/or belts to Mary & Kimberly  c/o Threadbared.com in Atlanta, Georgia.

I’m sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
I’ve got to be free, free to face the life that’s ahead of me
On board, I’m the captain, in my crocheted jerkin
My fashion ensemble, it needs some reworkin’
And I’ll try, oh Lord, I’ll try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of crocheted vests and the times we’ve had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow no one else seems…to like my clothes
But we’ll try best that we can…to caaaaaarry ooooooon!

A gathering of crocheted belts appeared around my torso!
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they bellow!
They said come sail away, come sail away!
Come sail away with me!
Come sail away, come sail away!
Come sail away with me!

*With apologies to Styx.

“Like wow man, did you ever think about what a tennis ball really means, man? It’s like, this cosmic orb, you know? And we just hit it, you know what I mean? Like, why are we being so aggressive towards a hollow yellow ball, man? Is it because we’re all hollow inside? Whoah…this is like blowing my mind here.

I mean, we need to get back to nature, man. That’s why we’re were practicing out here in the field today, you know? Because it’s natural. Because we need to be one with our court. We need to be one with the cosmos and one with the tennis ball. Oh man, this is like the grooviest job I’ve ever had, man…”

“Goodness! That Brenda sure is on the ball. I can barely leave the house with my shoes and handbag matching and here she’s gone and coordinated her whole living room with the outfit she has on.”

“I know! And she does it all with such effortless ease too!”

“Effortless ease – that’s exactly what I was thinking! Now do you see why I never invite Brenda over for coffee at my house?”

Suzanne knows that if she remains motionless for a long enough time she will eventually trap her prey. She will quickly enshroud him in her woolen yarns, thus quieting the death struggle. It is then that Suzanne will feed, sucking only the liquids out of her prey, leaving behind such indigestible materials as watches, belts and tube socks.

Pauline Denham.

Yes, her again. The Pauline Denham of Little Tops Fame.

Time after time Pauline continues to impress us with her choice of hairstyles, makeup, posing and most importantly…props. Oh, and themes too. Like me, Pauline is a gal who enjoys her themes.

Can you spot the theme of this booklet from the cover?

Take your eyes off the model’s Cinnabon-inspired hairdo for a second and look down at the bottom left corner. “Fairy Tale Book.”

Oh dear.

Ta-daaaaa!

It’s your fairy godsomething!

“I get three wishes? Well, first I’d like to pose beside a large fake pumpkin while wearing a mohair suit….”

I think there’s supposed to be something about the Three Little Bears here but the model is totally not having it.

Oh look! It’s…Little Green Riding…no, that’s not it.

It’s…it’s..Robin Hood?

The Green Lantern?

I’m so confused right now.

Is there some fairy tale I’m not remembering? About a woman who fell deeply in love with a tree branch and lived happily ever after?

Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your…knitted coat with the enormously oversized buttons!

Once upon a time in a land far far away…Dr. Zaius chose a very special pattern model to help lead the revolution.

“And then one day the ugly rubber duckling turned into a beautiful latex swan….awww.”

The End.